101 Love Positions

When I saw this video, I thought, "what, two people are just going to show me over a hundred sexual positions in the course of two hours?" Well, yes. A young, tan, rather hairless thin guy and a freckled girl reenact, in softcore fashion, sexual positions for two solid hours. This is not hardcore pornography, nothing is really seen up close, the two simply act out sexual positions. The video begins with a screen reading "1," the couple do some position for about a minute, then "2." I thought I would transcribe my copious notes into this review, giving you insight into what I write and how I observed the video. The numbers on the left denote the sexual position, and then my comments: 1- Oh, yeah, here we go 2- Did he just bite her ear? 3- She has a tattoo 5- Hey, that's just a variation on number 4 8- I'm bored 10- Where did the couch go? 14- No freaking way 15- If I could bend like that, I wouldn't need a sexual partner 17- What is this, gym class? 19- That's just 18, from another camera angle 21- They have somehow managed to have sex out into the backyard 24- I've done that...with a turkey wishbone after Thanksgiving dinner 25- I doubt I could use mine to lift a whole person 28- There's the couch 33- Where's her other foot?!? Oh, there it is 37- Isn't that assault? 47- We're at 47? Did I fall asleep? 51- Over half way there! 52- They're back on the porch 53- "C'mon, honey, let's go outside and I'll dangle you off the front door for all the neighbors to see." 61- Are those bruises? 64- Why do the people next door to me have a dog? Dogs aren't allowed in my apartment building 68- I am laughing, I swear 69- What they are doing is not what anyone else associates with the number 69 71- He just bit her foot 72- No freaking way 76- The dog next door finally stopped barking 79- Two killed in bizarre sexual position video accident, film at eleven 84- The end is near...so to speak 88- And now we found an outdoor table 90- He just bit her back 93- I am laughing again 94- NOW we find the swimming pool? 99- I thought you couldn't have sex in the pool for fifteen minutes after you ate, or else you'd cramp up? 101- In or out, buddy? I cannot believe I watched the whole thing. Before you get too excited, there is no oral sex. They may boast that there are over one hundred positions, but actually only a couple of dozen are done with little variation. The two cast members, uncredited, probably shot this in an afternoon. They both look tired, and their hair is frizzed and dried out. There is no sound from them, just badly done new age music, so when they speak, your lip reading might pick up "I love you," "stop biting me," or "we're only in the mid-40's?" The positions are not named, either, so be careful if you tell your partner "tonight, I want to do number two on you," and others overhear. Same sex partners look elsewhere, too. This is man and woman illustrating safe procreating sex, badly. "101 Love Positions" is supposed to bring couples together and enrich their relationship. Too bad a video celebrating closeness is so anonymous and devoid of feeling.